I don't believe the old saying "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Totally disagree. I think God gives us WAY more than we could EVER handle on our own so that we have the chance (time and time again) to run to Him. I'm constantly given reminders that I can't do this on my own, and the last three months have been my latest reminder.
Last week the weight of giving when I had nothing left was almost too heavy to bear. I can count on one hand the times I've felt like this in my life. It's a very helpless feeling. I know I need help but I am so weary that I don't know how to get the help I need.
First off, I need Jesus...but He and I, well, ok obviously just I, am not awesome right now, but I have plans for Lent. For the first time I may actually be looking forward to it. I know I'm going to need some heavy guidance to get through it, so I bought a road map and I'm begging Jesus to do the rest.
Join me. Get it here. (Not affiliate, I just wish you the best for Lent.)
Second, I called in reinforcements. Read: Grandma's. My mom has done my dishes more times than I can count this week. She has taken hours of QT with my boys so I can go to doctors appointments, get food in the fridge, pick up meds, shower, and just freaking lay down and do nothing. Logan's mom has played with the boys so I can pick up Logan from work, let us borrow her car, kept me company, and provided more meals than I can count when I don't have the energy to cook. Friends have checked to make sure we are still alive (bc we've been stuck at home so we don't infect others and bc I'm too tired to go many places), made up silly songs that make my kids laugh, listened to my weary heart, and even taken a turn with the dishes. My ob doctor who I haven't seen in 8 months texted me bc she heard the baby was sick (what doctor does that?! She's incredible.) and offered lots of good advice. And my husband...he just never stops serving our family. He's amazing...mostly bc he loves me in all my irrational sleep deprived glory while he himself is sleep deprived.
Third, I tried to boost morale by making pie crust for the first time. Risky move you might say, and I would agree. But turns out pie crust is fantastic to work with, and the random recipe I chose off of Pinterest exceeded my expectations.
I knew I was supposed to poke some holes in the top of the pie, and that it's traditional to make an X in the middle, so I made an X and then decided to add a heart for Valentine's Day.
I just poked the holes quickly because there were three kids under my feet, and none of them were happy. Augustine didn't have school that day so he was annoyed and a stinker all day, Lewis was being 4, and Elias was diagnosed with pneumonia earlier that day so he didn't even know what he wanted by then. I was on the verge of tears. Why did I decide to make a pot pie from scratch when needs were so high?!
I was about to start yelling at Jesus, when I remember that someone had told me to stop making Jesus the enemy in my thoughts (why are you letting this happen to me?! kind of thoughts) and instead see Jesus feeling the things I am feeling (my heart is breaking for my sick baby, my big boy needs a hug, my fournado needs some silly attention from me, and I myself just need to know it's all worth it), so that's what I did. Jesus was on the verge of tears with me, and saw my children as I was seeing them. He was right there in my stay home mom world living it with me. It brought some peace to my heart.
Those were quick thoughts and as I turned my pie straight, my X ended up being a cross, in the middle of a heart.
Silly as it seems, it reinforced the quick prayer that had just gone through my head. This stay home mom who was close to breaking asked Jesus to be in the difficulty of the moment, and in a little way He showed me He was there.
So thanks to those who helped us through. I'm hoping we're on the upswing.
And thanks to the One who is here with me as I'm in WAY over my head.
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